Shit My Mother Does

This might be lost in action-to-text translation, but it was so retarded it was worth a shot.

My mother cooked dinner for eight people last night.  This included hamburgers.

She’s very very uptight about undercooked meat (which is quite humorous, if you have seen her food preparation skills- see entry “Scenes from the Kitchen”). So, after some people already took hamburgers and started eating, she decided to check to make sure they were cooked “right.”

She picked up a burger, ripped it in half, held each half in both hands, and looked completely dumbfounded. She then took a bite of one half, said, “I don’t like hamburgers, what does this taste like?”, put it down, and continued eating the other half. After she finished the half, she picked the top bun off of one of the untouched burgers, looked at the burger patty, placed the bun back on it, and patted the bun like she was tucking the burger into bed.

Her conclusion was that she doesn’t like meat from Shaw’s. 

“Is Nick Carter one of the New Kids on the Block again?”

…I don’t even know how to respond to this. 

UPDATE: She found out I was writing this. We read it to her. She said , “WHO?! Nick Carter? Who’s Nick Carter?!” This happened not even five minutes ago. 

My niece was standing in the kitchen and had to blow her nose. So she did. My mother then told her that the way she blew her nose was weird like her mother, so she made her blow it again, to see how she “did it”. Then she said its “exactly the way” SHE blows her nose. 

Doesn’t everyone pretty much blow their nose the same way? Tissue, blow, toss. Come on. 

Today my mother said something that made no sense. I don’t remember what it was. But I responded with, “I’m going to make a ‘shitmymotherdoes.com’”. She replied, “You make fun of me, but I’m not gonna change. I am who I am. And that’s it. I am who I am, we are who we are… WE ARE WHO WE ARE?”

And started singing kesha.

“BLEACHING YOUR NIECE’S HAIR IN THE KITCHEN IS UNSANITARY!”

No, Mother. It might be a little hazardous to someone’s health if, oh, say, they thought the bleach was food and ate it… but it’s definitely not swarming with bacteria. In fact, quite the opposite. 

(and to clarify, she wasn’t talking about the hair itself being unsanitary… we do hair in the kitchen all the time. She didn’t want the bleach being ingested). 

So the story goes…

My mother and father were on vacation, I believe in Aruba. A man came up to my mother, asking if she wanted to buy some “Alcapulco Gold.” My mother said, sure. 

She thought he was talking about jewelry.
 

The other day, S&M came on the radio. My thirteen year old niece was in the car. She started singing and then turned it off saying it wasnt appropriate even though she knows she hears it every day…then she continued singing…


In case you don’t know…my mother knows ALL OF THE WORDS.

This includes “Sex in the air, I don’t care I love the smell of it.”

and

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.” 
 

My mother puts away the toaster. And the coffee maker. Because she doesn’t like 
“wires”. We also have no proper serving/mixing/baking utensils in the kitchen. At all.